|
|
|||
| forums: groups: | |||
|
"Looking for advise"
Little over two years ago I lost my best friend and playmate to cancer. I had finally convinced her to try messy fun play and sex, and she was taking her first steps towards it when she was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer, the day before her 40th birthday.. She fought hard for three and a half years but the cancer took her away. To be honest I have been lost without her. She was my best friend and so much more. No we were not married nor together but we were metaphorically attached at the hip and had a LOT of fun together, including in bed.
I am just now getting to the point where I am realizing how much I need a "friend" to at least fill a small part of the void losing her has left in my life. I am not looking to date, I want a "special" (female) friend to talk to and spend time with, and maybe have some clean and messy "fun" with. I just have no clue were to even start with this.
I am just now getting to the point where I am realizing how much I need a "friend" to at least fill a small part of the void losing her has left in my life. I am not looking to date, I want a "special" (female) friend to talk to and spend time with, and maybe have some clean and messy "fun" with. I just have no clue were to even start with this.
Female Mud Wrestling is the best sport!
12/4/23, 3:46pm: moved from Messy to Non-Wam and gender changed from female to n/a
May I recommend grief counselling as it sounds like you are not filling the void, but replacing your friend. This means anyone you meet will have to fill the hole left perfectly or you will not be happy.
Grief counselling will help you with new relationships too as they are not the same or better, just different.
Seriously, look into this more so you don't make a mistake and ruin a different relationship.
I know I am a buzzkill and this probably isn't what you want to hear, but as a therapist, an alarm rang instantly on this one.
Grief counselling will help you with new relationships too as they are not the same or better, just different.
Seriously, look into this more so you don't make a mistake and ruin a different relationship.
I know I am a buzzkill and this probably isn't what you want to hear, but as a therapist, an alarm rang instantly on this one.
Silver_sea said: May I recommend grief counselling as it sounds like you are not filling the void, but replacing your friend. This means anyone you meet will have to fill the hole left perfectly or you will not be happy.
Grief counselling will help you with new relationships too as they are not the same or better, just different.
Seriously, look into this more so you don't make a mistake and ruin a different relationship.
I know I am a buzzkill and this probably isn't what you want to hear, but as a therapist, an alarm rang instantly on this one.
Grief counselling will help you with new relationships too as they are not the same or better, just different.
Seriously, look into this more so you don't make a mistake and ruin a different relationship.
I know I am a buzzkill and this probably isn't what you want to hear, but as a therapist, an alarm rang instantly on this one.
Have already been down the grief counseling path. Actually how I came to this post. I need to make new connections and move on. Can't do that if I am at a loss on how to do this.
Female Mud Wrestling is the best sport!
I'm not sure how to help but I've been dealing with losing my friend Alan from Leukemia in September
https://youtu.be/btmPhd1ADDY?si=n27YYu0bb5T3ut5T
I'm here if you need anyone to speak with on discord or dm
https://youtu.be/qD6Y7d4hIW4?si=Ndp-FHGzQDy_YORG
" He had an older sister who died in a car accident the year he was 13. He was a passenger in the car, his sister was driving, it was her twenty-second birthday, and she died in front of him." Alan ball
https://youtu.be/o-aIoERn4bE?si=bCBqH2c6a7ZwXZ51
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PyUWJqExw00
https://youtu.be/btmPhd1ADDY?si=n27YYu0bb5T3ut5T
I'm here if you need anyone to speak with on discord or dm
https://youtu.be/qD6Y7d4hIW4?si=Ndp-FHGzQDy_YORG
" He had an older sister who died in a car accident the year he was 13. He was a passenger in the car, his sister was driving, it was her twenty-second birthday, and she died in front of him." Alan ball
https://youtu.be/o-aIoERn4bE?si=bCBqH2c6a7ZwXZ51
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PyUWJqExw00
Paint with play and surrender
One potential place to start is: how did you meet your friend? And then, once you met her, how did you become close?
The reason I ask is this. If I'm hearing you right, what you're looking for right now is someone who can step right into her shoes in at least some ways. That is, it sounds like you're trying to find someone who's sort of ready-made to play some of those same roles.
If that's right, then you may be doing yourself a disservice. It might take time and effort to build trust with someone else to the point where she'll start doing some of these same things. And if it does take time, the best strategy you can adopt is to plan on taking time.
So, again, how did you meet your friend in the first place? Is it something you can do again, even if it takes some time? And then, how did you become close? Are there people in your life who you can already try to become close with, even if doing so would take time?
The reason I ask is this. If I'm hearing you right, what you're looking for right now is someone who can step right into her shoes in at least some ways. That is, it sounds like you're trying to find someone who's sort of ready-made to play some of those same roles.
If that's right, then you may be doing yourself a disservice. It might take time and effort to build trust with someone else to the point where she'll start doing some of these same things. And if it does take time, the best strategy you can adopt is to plan on taking time.
So, again, how did you meet your friend in the first place? Is it something you can do again, even if it takes some time? And then, how did you become close? Are there people in your life who you can already try to become close with, even if doing so would take time?
iluvmudwrestlin said:
Have already been down the grief counseling path. Actually how I came to this post. I need to make new connections and move on. Can't do that if I am at a loss on how to do this.
Silver_sea said: May I recommend grief counselling as it sounds like you are not filling the void, but replacing your friend. This means anyone you meet will have to fill the hole left perfectly or you will not be happy.
Grief counselling will help you with new relationships too as they are not the same or better, just different.
Seriously, look into this more so you don't make a mistake and ruin a different relationship.
I know I am a buzzkill and this probably isn't what you want to hear, but as a therapist, an alarm rang instantly on this one.
Grief counselling will help you with new relationships too as they are not the same or better, just different.
Seriously, look into this more so you don't make a mistake and ruin a different relationship.
I know I am a buzzkill and this probably isn't what you want to hear, but as a therapist, an alarm rang instantly on this one.
Have already been down the grief counseling path. Actually how I came to this post. I need to make new connections and move on. Can't do that if I am at a loss on how to do this.
Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss! I can't even imagine.
Secondly, I would say "you did it once already, you can do it again"
I was in a 13 year relationship with my high school sweetheart up to the point where we split. I honestly couldn't tell you the first thing about dating then. Not a fucking clue. I was approaching my 30's and had no idea where to start. 3 years later, I met my Mrs and couldn't be happier.
I guess it starts with meeting people, which was the hardest part after my ex. Don't worry about the details but just meet people. Make friends and Form bonds. Create moments!
Say "yes" to going out with some friends. Say "hi" to the table next to yours. You and your friends kick off a discussion with the group of ladies at the concert you're at. Crack a joke to the lady you see regularly in front of you in the line of a grocery store. It doesn't need to be complicated.
Hold no expectations but the simple moments you share and sooner or later, you will make a connection. Will it lead to something more? I couldn't tell you. Sometimes it's about the adventure of getting there, not the destination.
Making smut is easy. Making art takes more!
Several months ago I lost my best friend to suicide. This is my first time talking about it. I've hesitated writing about it here. Just writing it is hard. Tears are coming to my eyes, my fingers are shaking. But I feel I should share my experience. I realize it doesn't address your immediate need, but maybe it will help someone. And maybe it helps me to finally talk about it.
My friend and I bonded over our love of mountain biking. We used to go off with friends on extreme rides in remote places in the mountains, far off the beaten track, sometimes in torrential storms, having memorable experiences, experiences I no longer have my friend to reminisce about with.
I'm impressed with the advice people here have given you. I could learn from it. I know I can never replace my friend. Our friendship was forged in an earlier part of my life. When I met him, I had no idea we would become such close friends. We seemed opposites of each other. But over time and shared interests, we forged a bond that became a very close friendship.
The other people who've posted here are right. All we can do is be open to new friendships, but we have to be patient. Friendships evolve over time. Only time will ever tell us whether people we know now will become close friends. We just have to be open to meeting people and giving relationships time to grow into close friendships.
Friendships are like flowering plants. All we can do is find people with common interests - the fertile soil - and do things together until we see which ones grow over time into true friendships. It can't be rushed.
Sorry about the long post. I didn't realize how upset I still am about my friend's suicide. My whole body is shaking now.
Edit:
We have to accept that we will probably never truly replace a friend who's died. New friends will be different. They may in time may become just as close and maybe closer, but it's likely they will be different. We need to continue growing and changing even while treasuring the memory of those we've lost.
My friend and I bonded over our love of mountain biking. We used to go off with friends on extreme rides in remote places in the mountains, far off the beaten track, sometimes in torrential storms, having memorable experiences, experiences I no longer have my friend to reminisce about with.
I'm impressed with the advice people here have given you. I could learn from it. I know I can never replace my friend. Our friendship was forged in an earlier part of my life. When I met him, I had no idea we would become such close friends. We seemed opposites of each other. But over time and shared interests, we forged a bond that became a very close friendship.
The other people who've posted here are right. All we can do is be open to new friendships, but we have to be patient. Friendships evolve over time. Only time will ever tell us whether people we know now will become close friends. We just have to be open to meeting people and giving relationships time to grow into close friendships.
Friendships are like flowering plants. All we can do is find people with common interests - the fertile soil - and do things together until we see which ones grow over time into true friendships. It can't be rushed.
Sorry about the long post. I didn't realize how upset I still am about my friend's suicide. My whole body is shaking now.
Edit:
We have to accept that we will probably never truly replace a friend who's died. New friends will be different. They may in time may become just as close and maybe closer, but it's likely they will be different. We need to continue growing and changing even while treasuring the memory of those we've lost.
I woke up this morning intending to delete my prior post about my friend who committed suicide. I'm not usually an emotional person. I hold it in. People who know me would never expect me to write as emotionally as I did in that post. But I've decided not to delete it. It might help someone else who's lost a friend or loved one. It's even worse when the friend died by suicide. Ever since my friend's suicide, I've been blaming myself, thinking of all the ways I might have prevented it.
We had so many great adventures together, riding mountain bikes in extremely rough and remote areas, once in a storm so fierce that it shut down northern California freeways and main roads (driving home took 13 hours!). We were in races together. Went gold panning together, and caving. But he moved to an extremely remote location where he lived alone, and although I did visit him there, recently I've been busy and it was too easy to postpone visiting again, until the day he ended his life.
The lesson for all of us is to treasure our friends while they are living. It's all too easy to take friends for granted. But we have to also recognize that when they pass, we need to move on, always keeping alive their memory, but being open to new friends, accepting that they will be different and that we'll have new experiences with them.
We had so many great adventures together, riding mountain bikes in extremely rough and remote areas, once in a storm so fierce that it shut down northern California freeways and main roads (driving home took 13 hours!). We were in races together. Went gold panning together, and caving. But he moved to an extremely remote location where he lived alone, and although I did visit him there, recently I've been busy and it was too easy to postpone visiting again, until the day he ended his life.
The lesson for all of us is to treasure our friends while they are living. It's all too easy to take friends for granted. But we have to also recognize that when they pass, we need to move on, always keeping alive their memory, but being open to new friends, accepting that they will be different and that we'll have new experiences with them.
1/7/24, 10:17am: This post won't bump the thread to the top.
WoodsMudder said: I woke up this morning intending to delete my prior post about my friend who committed suicide. I'm not usually an emotional person. I hold it in. People who know me would never expect me to write as emotionally as I did in that post. But I've decided not to delete it. It might help someone else who's lost a friend or loved one. It's even worse when the friend died by suicide. Ever since my friend's suicide, I've been blaming myself, thinking of all the ways I might have prevented it.
We had so many great adventures together, riding mountain bikes in extremely rough and remote areas, once in a storm so fierce that it shut down northern California freeways and main roads (driving home took 13 hours!). We were in races together. Went gold panning together, and caving. But he moved to an extremely remote location where he lived alone, and although I did visit him there, recently I've been busy and it was too easy to postpone visiting again, until the day he ended his life.
The lesson for all of us is to treasure our friends while they are living. It's all too easy to take friends for granted. But we have to also recognize that when they pass, we need to move on, always keeping alive their memory, but being open to new friends, accepting that they will be different and that we'll have new experiences with them.
We had so many great adventures together, riding mountain bikes in extremely rough and remote areas, once in a storm so fierce that it shut down northern California freeways and main roads (driving home took 13 hours!). We were in races together. Went gold panning together, and caving. But he moved to an extremely remote location where he lived alone, and although I did visit him there, recently I've been busy and it was too easy to postpone visiting again, until the day he ended his life.
The lesson for all of us is to treasure our friends while they are living. It's all too easy to take friends for granted. But we have to also recognize that when they pass, we need to move on, always keeping alive their memory, but being open to new friends, accepting that they will be different and that we'll have new experiences with them.
I miss a lot of things
https://youtu.be/fE285HamQQQ?si=0ianTJaM-qUSAzUp
Can't give up won't give in
https://youtu.be/QIriNloR1ts?si=avjNWGa1w7NCX1Sd
Wam has stoped me from dying for a lot of reasons but mostly due to the spiritual violence of what I've experienced losing thing rage misfortune death grief I have to continue even knowing that it hurts I miss so many people. I'm still going through nightmares.
I'm crying while thinking about how many are gone
Thomas
Blake
My aunt Marie
Patrick
Gary
I love even when I know it's temporary I can stop that but I want to to continue trying even though I know it's all temporary
https://youtu.be/7wZkbRJq6wk?si=DFBUX7YYYAeLb7DO
Paint with play and surrender
 Love you, too |
|
Love you, too |
|
Love you, too |
|
Love you, too |
1/7/24, 10:17am: This post won't bump the thread to the top.
I'm so sorry for your loss, my sincerest condolences to you. The hardest part about this is it's going to take time and work to find a new friend, and I know that loneliness gets heavy at times. But you're on the right track, just speaking openly about this is a huge step. I think the next step for you is posting this same story on the personals forum and start putting your story out there. Once you start telling your story, you will be able to attract the people who will be the most sympathetic to you and can give you the space and the patience you need to grow and heal from this loss. There's also FetLife which is a good place to meet local kinksters or fetishists who are open to WAM in your area.
These things are hard because your wants and needs are different than anyone else's so you'll have to feel your way through this to find a lot of the answers you need. Here's the best advice I can give you:
You're not going to have the same experiences that you once did, you're going to be creating new experiences. Finding a new partner takes time and work to get to know them. Some days are going to be better than others and it's okay to not be okay. Right now you want to focus on finding a partner who is compassionate and patient above all other attributes.
Now this is the most important advice - Keep seeing a therapist while you're in this process. That is the most important thing for you right now. Especially when processing pain while trying to get back into pleasurable experiences again. For me it's been hard on my partner to see me having a bad day when dealing with my depression and PTSD. It's overwhelming for someone you're getting to know to see you in your low moments. A therapist is so helpful in being a sounding board and someone you can vent to and break down to. They will also help you understand how to communicate better with your new partner.
I hope this helps you. I do understand what you're going through, and I do know that time is the most important thing for grief and for closure. You're going to be able to find what you're looking for, maybe not based on your expectations, but you will be able to find a new partner. Much love and many hugs to you. Please feel free to reach out to me in my DM's at any time
These things are hard because your wants and needs are different than anyone else's so you'll have to feel your way through this to find a lot of the answers you need. Here's the best advice I can give you:
You're not going to have the same experiences that you once did, you're going to be creating new experiences. Finding a new partner takes time and work to get to know them. Some days are going to be better than others and it's okay to not be okay. Right now you want to focus on finding a partner who is compassionate and patient above all other attributes.
Now this is the most important advice - Keep seeing a therapist while you're in this process. That is the most important thing for you right now. Especially when processing pain while trying to get back into pleasurable experiences again. For me it's been hard on my partner to see me having a bad day when dealing with my depression and PTSD. It's overwhelming for someone you're getting to know to see you in your low moments. A therapist is so helpful in being a sounding board and someone you can vent to and break down to. They will also help you understand how to communicate better with your new partner.
I hope this helps you. I do understand what you're going through, and I do know that time is the most important thing for grief and for closure. You're going to be able to find what you're looking for, maybe not based on your expectations, but you will be able to find a new partner. Much love and many hugs to you. Please feel free to reach out to me in my DM's at any time
iluvmudwrestlin said:
Have already been down the grief counseling path. Actually how I came to this post. I need to make new connections and move on. Can't do that if I am at a loss on how to do this.
Silver_sea said: May I recommend grief counselling as it sounds like you are not filling the void, but replacing your friend. This means anyone you meet will have to fill the hole left perfectly or you will not be happy.
Grief counselling will help you with new relationships too as they are not the same or better, just different.
Seriously, look into this more so you don't make a mistake and ruin a different relationship.
I know I am a buzzkill and this probably isn't what you want to hear, but as a therapist, an alarm rang instantly on this one.
Grief counselling will help you with new relationships too as they are not the same or better, just different.
Seriously, look into this more so you don't make a mistake and ruin a different relationship.
I know I am a buzzkill and this probably isn't what you want to hear, but as a therapist, an alarm rang instantly on this one.
Have already been down the grief counseling path. Actually how I came to this post. I need to make new connections and move on. Can't do that if I am at a loss on how to do this.
I so agree with your advice. Based on what ILUVMUDWRESTLIN said, it sounds like they are trying to bridge some gap, but not really moving on from the loss of their friend. I would also advise grief counseling before you try to meet up with someone else even for just fun. If you don't give yourself the time and means to heal, you may never get over this loss properly.
